Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
