Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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