guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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