I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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