Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
