Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
