The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
