need another drink. this is the easiest way
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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