I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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