Ketchup is God's man juice
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
