i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
