Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
