my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
