Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
