Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
