Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
