Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
