i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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