i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
