My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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