i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
