chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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