either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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