the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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