I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
