Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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