Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
