Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
