I just cut my nipple shaving
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
