see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Randomize
