you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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