I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
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Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
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Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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