I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
