she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
