I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
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