Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
