I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
