Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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