my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
