just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
