I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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