I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
