I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
