theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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