Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I am full of burrito and curiosity
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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