I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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