she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
