Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
