i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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