remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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