i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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