Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
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Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
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Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
you made out with another girl for some wings