i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
23 Absolutely Despicable Things That People Have Actually Done
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.