I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
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Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?