dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
